Martin Pilgrim

I filmed some stand-up for the first time since 2019. I'm wearing the same pair of jeans. youtu.be/dMVg6QXZqH0?fe…

If you want to meet someone, don't just sit at home endlessly swiping on dating apps. Go to museums, libraries and art galleries and use their WiFi to endlessly swipe on dating apps.

The Wheels on the Bus was written in 1937 but motorised buses date back to the 1890s. There was a forty year period where people were just getting on buses with no idea of what was going to happen.

I can barely afford my weekly shop. I might have to stop buying shops.

My friend gave me a great breakfast recommendation. Eat it after you wake up but before you have lunch.

Every novel is a mystery novel if you don't read it.

I don't believe in personal trainers. I'll wear anyone's trainers.

I'm a completely different person to who I was ten years ago. Identity theft is brilliant.

It's a myth that it was easier to buy a house thirty years ago. Nobody would give me a mortgage back then because I was five.

I don't like that drop can mean two completely opposite things in the context of TV. Has Netflix dropped series 2 or dropped series 2?

Bristol is very tolerant of quirky people. Particularly when their quirk is antisemitism.

The photo also suggests that a lot of us are sitting in the wrong place.

"It's five o' clock somewhere!"- Me working in the complaints department of a sundial manufacturer.

I filled up my car with petrol last night. It absolutely ruined the seats.

The best thing about getting your weather forecast from the Met Office is feeling smug when you see BBC Weather users dressed like it's going to be 24 degrees with a light breeze when you know it's really going to be 23 degrees with a moderate breeze.

I always leave things until the last minute. It's Father's Day tomorrow and I haven't even found someone to have a baby with yet.

My work sent me on a second aid course. I'm now qualified to show up about an hour after someone gets hurts and say things like "Is this all sorted now?" and "Would anyone like a drink?".

I've had a lot more success with dating since I started using apps. Particularly Google Maps. I'm successfully arriving at around 80% of my dates now.

I like it when salt and pepper shakers just say "S" and "P" because it gives you the option to use them for other things like sand or potassium.

A lot of people think The Godfather Part II is better than The Godfather. I feel the same about Toy Story 2. It's probably better than The Godfather.

The only lesson I remember from the pandemic is that you're only supposed to wash your hands if it's your birthday.