Philosopher King, Oracle

Consider the lilies of the field; They toil not, and while you’re doing that, I will be over here going through your stuff.

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Swifties?

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with "something shiny."

Why that’s, that’s bigger than the Ritz!

I predict a big increase in cattle dogs named “Aussie Osbourne.”

a backyard-made boat race, but limited to patients on Skyrizi.

Were you for or against using drones to take out Mickey Rooney? — J. Glick.

Her: What are your plans for tonight? Me [plugging in my mechanical bull]: Nothing

Hulk Hogan is dead. Do you still think wrestling is fake?

Imagine if dogs wore tiny little watches and looked at them every time they were hungry or needed to go outside. So cute! Anyway, I like edibles.

LOL. Based.

Tending a garden with just the right balance of sun and water is the simplest way to achieve inner peace and two tiny tomatoes.

Ethiopia was never colonized and it remains one of the poorest countries on the planet. Singapore was colonized and it’s one of the richest countries on the planet. It’s not just about corruption, it’s about IQ.

me: will i be rich one day? my psychic: you will spend your life stricken with existential dread & endless variants of the flu. me: okay, but will i get a ferrari? my psychic: your awkward social skills will ensure a lifetime of loneliness. me: okay, but will i marry a model?

i’m two wine coolers away from setting down my shovel & abandoning this giant hole i dug in my backyard.

I want to be the one you think about while pissing in your backyard

*speaking to my daughter’s class on career day* over the next 3 hours i will guide you all point by point through the amoral, anti-social & highly problematic lifestyle of the two people featured in the piña colada song.

This is my 25th year of being on the FBI’s least wanted list.

Do not invite a bunny into your garden for "just one carrot" those mfs do not respect boundaries

I say, "You pose an interesting question." a lot for someone who really doesn't give a shit

If I were President Trump, I would include a DVD of the new Superman movie with every missile guidance system we sell. It's called synergy.