Sunshine Jarboly

i, idiot: after three years of procrastinating i finally made an appointment to get a colonoscopy. i did it all by myself. without my wife’s help. i’m serious. anyway, the day before the procedure i was on an all liquid diet & was about to take the bowel prep medicine.

I was a kid with opinions, but I kept my mouth shut while I was still smackable. This is good advice if anyone knows any children.

my favorite part of watching a baseball game is when a mormon elder walks out to the mound & tells the pitcher that the state bird of utah is the seagull & also tells him to stop cussing.

You were playing hide and seek, but no one found you, which gave you time to read.

me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid. friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils

me, talking to my friend dale while eating some clams i found in a bag in the parking lot: so anyway, that’s how drinking hot dog water can raise your IQ. jesus, who has suddenly materialized behind me & has gently put his hand on my shoulder: are you ready to see your ancestors?

We didn't have all these problems back when Pluto was a planet.

nothing bad has ever happened by modifying the genes of bees.

me: i think we’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that we’ve interviewed all the people. podcaster: up next, paul rudd returns…

Need an army of Joe Pescis to do my bidding, maybe go out drinking.

*speaking to my daughter’s class on career day* …& remember, whether you’re rich or poor, tall or short, smart or dumb, life boils down to just two simple scenarios for everyone; you’re either fighting with squirrels or you’re not fighting with squirrels.

Only later did you realize your favorite professor's house looked like it was fished out of a canal.

if you play a pizza backwards on a record player you can hear sir alec guinness reciting the recipe for a chipotle breakfast burrito.

*speaking to my daughter’s class on career day* over the next 3 hours i will guide you all point by point through the amoral, anti-social & highly problematic lifestyle of the two people featured in the piña colada song.

Palm trees get your attention, sure, but are they a tree you'd tell your secrets to?

sure, i could be watching an art film or reading a good book or listening to some opera music, but no, i have to spend my day looking for a tow truck that’s strong enough to pull my car out of giant vat of refried beans that i accidentally drove into.

tekken chauncey said in the ethical media consumption discord that he just got done taking a Shit so big that it look like a human brain

Hey dude it's pretty late, I think I'm gonna turn in. (handing him a lyre) Sing me a dream

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find a screwdriver & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine.

I wish there was a pill to help you remember what you were saying mid-sentence

(Closing a book after reading the first page) alright I get the idea