Barroom Hero 🦬

The shorter the woman, the crazier she is

Hulk Hogan’s gone, so I’ll be ripping shirts and screaming “BROTHERRR!” at strangers in his honor.

The recipe says 1 teaspoon of crushed garlic, but I say listen to your heart.

i need the universe to give me a break.

Long days, longer nights.

If I share my music I'm letting you into a piece of my heart

I was the reason You were the purpose

An easy way to check if you're attractive: send a 'Hey' DM and see if they reply

Can I choke you as a friend?

Me: "this conversation could've been an email" Also me: *has 4000 unread emails

We would taste so good together...

I need someone to come over and put a paperclip in my computer

Slow french kissing could fix me.

You haven’t known power until you had all 96 gel pens and a Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

i accidentally screenshot my wallpaper at least 3x a day

Compliments? Couldn’t possibly be about me. Insults? My brain’s like, This is definitely about you, babe.

No grown man should have Snapchat or Tiktok.

Someone I work with just told me I make them nervous. You’re welcome.

Another morning of taking stock of my life.

Ok. So your email found me. But I really didn’t want it to.