🦎TwistedSister 🇺🇸

People think I’m weird but it’s really because I am.

I should be able to go to work get my shit done and get paid the same. If I can get my work done in six hours with what it takes others to do in eight or nine hours, then why should I have to suffer?

I didn't tell my mom I'm off an hour early so I'm so gonna go home for an hour and a half maybe and be by myself before picking up these hellions

Why do I have to be here if there's no work to do It's stupid, feels like prison

This is the most boring day ever

I get it onions, I have an outer protective shell too, but make people cry when they peel back the layers

I haven't eaten one piece of bacon while I was cooking it, I'll take a standing ovation please

Growing your own meat and veggies kinda makes you feel superior

What are y'all making for dinner? I'm thinking blt's

Okay, I'm just gonna shut the fuck up now. Bitch.

These skanks at Costco think they’re better than me.

Someone: You drink too much coffee Me: You breathe too much air but I’m not judging am I

My wife bought a 4 pack of M&M ice cream cookies. One for me, one for her, one for each of our boys. My 5yr old, My 3yr old, & I ate ours the night she bought them. It’s been almost 2 weeks & my wife hasn’t had hers. But I can’t have it. So it sits there. Taunting me.

One day you will realize you really have no friends.

Sometimes I like a person . . . But it doesn't mean I like that person everyday.

twitter is like talking to yourself in public and some random walking by agrees w you

If I had a chance to do it all again, I'd use the cheat codes.

My app is out of date it said, but I don't want to lose the bird.....

Go try to pull that bullshit on someone else.

Put all my symtoms into WebMD and it just diagnosed me as an awkward dork