Rach, Esq.

How your emails finds me

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fly Trapped In My Bedroom

I probably would’ve become a doctor if I hadn’t loved apples so much

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here looking at soup recipes.

Contrary to what my taste in music would have you believe, I don’t actually do drugs.

Is wanting to peel all my skin off like a grape considered self-care?

when i say 'i'm just a little guy' this is what i mean

Pretty sure my mom’s brain gets a serotonin hit every time I doubt myself.

Every time I open the door and it’s not someone yelling “YOU WON!” while holding a giant check and balloons, I slam it. Hard.

I think sex would be a lot more fun if boners made that door stopper sound

My dad’s butt just left me four minute voicemail. Your move, AI.

Dentist said I need a retainer. First thought? Tell Twitter. This is what rock bottom looks like.

i won't die on this hill but i will roll down it

Reading social cues at a third grade level

don’t make fun of me if both our heights start with a 5

Who is Labubu and why do you people keep dragging me into it

Asking the birds outside my window if they know any Metallica

First radiation scan just dropped. I look like one of those bad dog drawings where the artist has never seen a dog.

My daughter just told me she got the “cutest dog book” from the library. What’s the book you may ask? Where The Red Fern Grows.

Turns out “Groundbreaking” is an inspiring word for a startup but devastating one for an overweight stranger. The more you know.

You are allowed to be crazy as long as you are equally as hot