inspector ratchet

my mornings start by listening to the donkey kong country soundtrack and driving my car directly into a fruit vendor's stand at 200 miles per hour

The Last Supper was at Buffalo Wild Wings

whenever i win an argument i treat myself to a victory meal (i haven’t eaten dinner in 3 years)

Twitter was launched 19 years ago. What is your favorite tweet ever?

Eat corn chips at night, wife says alright Eat corn chips in morning, wife gives me warning

some mandela æffect shit. a recalled vision of garfield the cat wearing a trenchcoat & holding a pistol? saying simply the word "Society..."

“do you want to add avocado for $4?” no, i want to pay my car insurance this month

On the highway to the danger zone (connecting to the internet with a 56k modem)

Engaging enemy forces in the designated combat zone (joining a Teams meeting)

I knew you'd return, like you did in the Turkish bazaar in 1467

I would trade my birthright for a basket of onion rings and an industrial vat of ranch

Happy Abso-Lutely Day to all who celebrate

You should be able to get a mystery bag of pills from CVS for a $10 copay

“The following is based on a true story,” I say as I take a seat on the toilet.

The eternal question

I am so honored to win the RL Stine look-alike contest for 2025. Such a surprise! The award is given every year to the author who most resembles RL Stine.

Bluetooth cannot connect. Please restart weapon and then install update. Cannot connect to internet. Please connect to wifi and then retry update.

WW3: i can’t fire my weapon unless i first watch a 15-second unskippable ad for Raid Shadow Legends

doing petplay with deer girlfriend. i just hit her with my car going 55 on a country backroad

is any one in power willing to stand up and punish donkey kong for all the horrible noises he has made during his games

twitch.tv/piss Who'se hungry.