Douf

If someone hugs you longer than 15 seconds just shout “this is no longer mutual”

The only ones we are allowed to judge are the people who drive a convertible with their windows up.

There’s no gangsta way to walk out of a port-a-potty

I workout so I can do even more stupid things

Imagine having dinner with me. Then we lay in bed together and kiss. Then you lay your head on my stomach and it sounds like Chewbacca begging for mercy

My kids are making something in the kitchen with their friends, and it sounds very complicated. How scared should I be

To make it uncomfortable, can you drive a stick with a choke?

Can you drive a stick?

6: why is the pool so watery? Me: … because it’s water

Oh Fuck! Don’t make me watch “Death of a Unicorn” again. EVER.

If I unfollowed you and you don’t know why, you probably used the r word.

I have not been deported. *phew

Standing desk usage so far: time sitting: 90% time standing: 5% time accidentally hitting the button that makes it go up and down: 117%

It’s not easy being twitter’s sweetheart, but someone has to fucking do it

Somewhere, Alan Alda is holding his breath

My favourite yoga pose is the one where you lay really still and do nothing

I’m okay with the hiccup or the belch, maybe even gas expulsion. But not if you eat eggs. Me flirting.

I am 43 and I still don’t have crows feet (I haven’t smiled since grade 8)

It might be 827° outside but I'll still make soup.