Andrew Nadeau
@TheAndrewNadeau
Comedian, Writer, Founder of Persona Essential Social Media Management, writer of @GrimAndGraham
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory] ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: ME: WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to— ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
lost my job as a bridge troll because my riddles were “weirdly personal” and “why are your ankles like that?” isn’t a riddle
Time to ban 61 year old supervisors from swimming.
Riley Gaines makes the swim from Alcatraz - ties for fifth place behind 61 year old former Supervisor Aaron Peskin.
*getting an IUD inserted 3 months postpartum* Me: is it going to hurt? Doctor: don’t worry, it hurts much less than childbirth Me: ok that can’t possibly be the standard we’re going to work off of for the rest of my life
Very proud to announce the release of my book I illustrated and co-wrote with Carla Bruni, via Agate Publishing, now available for pre-order. Three years in the making, this book covers the earliest Chicago homes, decades of economic rise and fall, the bungalow belt, and more.
I don’t have a baby but god this deal on their shoes is just too good to pass up.
If your partner asks for one of these you’re about to get framed for a crime.
The concept of fingerprint pendant as a way to wear your loved one’s touch every time.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
They should do a reverse Jurassic Park as a prequel. 200 million years ago dinosaur scientists genetically engineer humans and then desperately try to stop us as we breed, destroy their environment, and make prehistoric versions of Love Island.
Refusing to separate the art from the artist but going the other direction. Like I had to stop visiting my aunt because she’s a wonderful person but her watercolors are fucking GARBAGE.
Just held a baby, didn’t realize they were actually so small. Whenever I saw one I just assumed it was really far away.
I forgot she was researching heavy bags for me and she forgot what they were called.
if autism was actually a problem in this country we'd have more trains
beast: hey, this is gonna hurt, but… I just found out people are calling you “beast.” belle: oh. no, I actu—I think that was you. they’re calling me “beauty.” beast: well, I have all this gorgeous fur, and you took the time to write a mean song about all your neighbors, sooo…
Moses after God first spoke to him:
just saw lorde’s bush……
I finally achieved my ultimate dream as a comedian: being funny enough someone way hotter than I am married me.
