MetryMike

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco. Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos! Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

The is a song called Jazz Potato out there. Just thought you, in particular, would like to know about that.

Tomorrow marks 10 years of my booze free survival.

Some of y'all need read-only access to the Internet

“Oh, you’ve got teeth and eyes? I’ve got to connect you with someone else for those to be covered.” -Health care sales rep

Has anyone eaten and survived a Taco Bell breakfast menu item?

“Damn, son, you’re as sharp as a spoon.” -HR didn’t like it.

people are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk

How come there is enough asphalt for speed bumps, but not enough to fill potholes?

Ya ever so beat down from work you forget music exists?

Hey Oregon, how’s all the drugs treating ya?

Scrolling should burn calories.

I’ve been clicking on targeted ads just to feel something

I'm starting to think one of you strangers aren't going to marry me.

Stop acting surprised. You’re powerful. Claim the throne.

“This too, shall pass” but it’s gonna pass like a kidney stone so bite onto something

I’m going to put an unexpected item in your bagging area.