fancy nancy

The right words are like the warmest hug.

and to my son, please continue all my beefs, per my judgy list

Me watching every new music video, are they singers or fucking porn stars.

my mom has a secret beef w our orthodontist bc she thinks he made the smiles of all our town’s children too similar

I expect Jack Nicholson to be bubble wrapped, stat!

I have July-end fatigue.

On my 17th plot twist this year.

The most dangerous dog is definitely a Labrador, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

I’ll allow it

Everything and everyone sucks, thank you for your attention to this matter.

I did not say that! Menopause did.

at the club asking for ibuprofen

When you have already given your all.....and it's only Thursday morning....

Why would you steal such a well known tweet.

Don’t be coming into my house and causing big spikes of cortisol

Food trucks should drive the neighbourhood like ice cream trucks.

Clients love to say *oh this is very expensive, according to what Ted, your feelings?

I’m trying to help! ~ me, to every insect that I’m trying to help.

DO NOT take financial advice from people on Twitter I mean are you fucking kidding me?

I’m not into anime because I’m 50.