Boots, 'with the fur'
@afraidofwasps
Six feet tall, two feet have
My new album "Cherry-Colored Funk!" is out today, extended from the soundtrack of my short film that's playing at Tribeca. Big focus on genre blending and live instrumentation. Also very danceable. I'm super proud of it. Thanks for the support, it always means a lot. 🔗s below!
Every time AOC gets caught out she starts talking like this
Google is free. If you’re saying I voted for military funding, you are lying. Receipts attached. Drag me for my positions all you want, but lying about them doesn’t make you part of the “left.” If you believe neo-nazis are welcome and operating in good faith, you can have them!
Me: Anything else? Jimmy Neutron: Can I have some sodium chloride? Me: What... JN: Sodium chloride. Me: I need to check with my manager here. (Manager appears and he's a carbon copy of me, down to the exact stain on his shirt- this freaks Jimmy Neutron out so much that he leaves
Lets focus on you first man. What are you
La Maison hantée: I Saw the Vaporous Outline of a Human Woman #artbots #redon
three houses in my street have the wrong coloured bins out 🤭 had to try jump the gun didn’t you and get your bins out earlier than the bin captain, didn’t you? well enjoy your absolutely chockers recycling bin for the next week 🤭😭👹
We need every American to major in humanities regardless of occupation and learn whatever skills they need on the job
We need more electricians and less sociology majors.
(first day as Intimacy Coordinator) STOP!! FUCKING!!!!
EEPHUS IS ON MUBI NOW mubi.com/en/us/films/ee…
EEPHUS IS ON MUBI NOW mubi.com/en/us/films/ee…
Me: (motioning to ship we just passed in the night) I really liked those guys. When can we see them again? Captain: (patting my head like i'm the most precious thing) [Realizing while writing this tweet I forgot what noise pirates make] Yurrrgh
You're not going to believe this but I just wasted 20 minutes
(thinking i'm logged into my alt with a dua lipa avi) I love it when he gets sensitive...
It's too late. I've already portrayed you as the tiny duckling and me as the mother leading you to the pond to cool you off, taking care of you. Showing you how to dry off with a little shake. Going on a tiny little swing and having fun
Heartbreaking: This Chimp Just Ate This Other Chimp's Ear Like A Potato Crisp <\3
And the Oscar goes to {opens envelope, big smile} The Cone Brothers
Doctor: This is not easy news, but, we found a worm in your brain. We've removed it, but need to run some tests. Me: I kept it worm for you. Doctor: What? Me (slightly louder): I kept it Wourm for you
feeling a little down... Maybe a song about the folly and horror of the Iraq War will make me feel better
Stumbled upon this one again this morning and it jolted me awake like 400mg of caffeine
my joke a 9 on the richter scale but her mind far from the epicenter, tsunami of laughs just missed her she on some Higher Ground
Day 1 of pilot school raising my hand asking if it's okay to "come in hot"
I live in an abandoned fair ground and hunt clowns for food
Splitting rent sounds cute until you realize you’re building with a man who can’t build without you. I’m sorry but that’s not love, that’s soft labor.
It's too late. I've already portrayed you as the tiny duckling and me as the mother leading you to the pond to cool you off, taking care of you. Showing you how to dry off with a little shake. Going on a tiny little swing and having fun