Scott with a Silent T

People need to know...I’m most dangerous with my back against the wall...when I’ve already peed my pants...and my mom forgot to dry my emergency pants overnight.

I told them punk kids! Elderly is just edgy with a L and a few other extra letters.

I remember we’d watch those murder docs and you’d think you’d solved it 15 minutes in. Then we found that guilty guy’s address online and beat him to death with a shovel, but then an upd episode cleared him. And you laughed in your adorable way as we chartered a flight to Alaska

Squid Games would have been much different if they’d let Richard Dawson host it.

Anybody buying this new Panera Italian menu? Is it the same old crap? I’ve been hurt before. Basil? Hmmm Okay, you have my attention.

So hot, people have stopped laughing at my midriff t-shirt.

I’d love to visit the little Italian villa where toasted ravioli originated. So romantic.

My wife told me "Stop giving the dog your food it's not good for him!" and today I learned the wrong response is, "Why are you giving it to me then?"

Age Old Question…Can a man and woman eat at The Melting Pot without becoming attracted to one another? If you’re worried, we could have them turn down the temperature of the oil.

By the end of the week I usually feel like this gas station cheeseburger wrapper.

Must’ve taken you a lot less time to clean the house today…cause you still ain’t got no ESPYS to dust! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂LOLZ (sorry, does anyone still covet these?)

If there's ever a fire at a s'mores store, I hope the firefighters can put it out...but I hope they wait until just the right moment.

I’ve been ordering all my clothes from chewy.com and people are starting to notice.

If you could punch one of the guys on Mt. Rushmore, who would it be? Why? And how would you get up there?

should your pee float or sink?

I’m old enough to remember when Liquid Death was a powered orange drink that astronauts drank

Everyone asked if we can bring back prehistoric hedgehogs (twice the size of normal hedgehogs), but no one asked if we should.

Eating dark chocolate is practically eating vegetables.

Why doesn’t Pringles make sandwich bread. (Sorry, forgot to write enough jokes for this weekend)