Dead Pan Nick

It's called Twitter. It's still called Twitter. We are the name-deciders. Not the new guy.

I've opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

51 being divisible by 17 is disgusting

At a goodwill and I found this on the media section

My daughter’s new bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it

i love whatever is wrong with kelsey plum

addicted to bad posture omggg why is it so comfortable to give yourself scoliosis

New dating rule: Able to attend events with a Jumbotron

Empathy and learning to read.

And then all of a sudden you look up, and that adorable cumulus cloud has abandoned its cotton-candy facade & gone bat-shit cumulonimbus.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that's going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

scientist1: wow look a black hole! scientist2: nope. too big. 1: massive black hole 2: nope 1: super massive black hole 2: yes let's publish

Seems too convenient that all of light goes the same speed. Have we checked our work on that?

how it feels telling everyone that Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham are tweeting Frozen Love lyrics in their own handwriting

Rashee Rice will actually have to spend 32 days in jail if you count the two games against Patrick Surtain II

John Smoltz- “I never use self checkout. If I see self checkout in places I won’t even bother I’ll just walk out with all my stuff without paying. I’ve never been caught.” Joe Davis- “Kwan makes the catch, two down.”

Well that’s not gonna help

a relationship should be 50/50, I talk about tornadoes and you listen

why do Ronald McDonald and the gang even hang out with the Hamburglar, given his history

Live Aid: famously free of a message.