yung zoë

I recently returned from my yearly trip to China and am suffering from the following symptoms: -runny nose -headache -cough -sore throat -severe fever I will not be contacting the CDC as I do not collaborate with cops. I will however be coughing on the napkins at Chipotle.

wish I knew enough about the wnba to have an opinion on who’d win

Zoë woke up a couple days ago and said “they really did go down swinging, huh?” apparently referring to fall out boy

I’m evil

portraits by Jäger

They should make an animal you can just beat on like crazy

Goku, the saiyan birth rates are at an all time low! You must avenge our race!

did something good happen

how come KitKats are always like slightly melted

i need poly ppl to realize ur not supposed to tell one partner you like them more than the others, you’re supposed to tell all your partners that individually

The problem with me is that boomers are sorta right in that I do things like 80%. I take responsibility but I do like a B+ job at best. Some people paint the part of the fence no one will see and take pride in it and I just can’t bring myself to care.

Thing with butches is they don’t have socialized insecurity for me to manipulate. It’s so much easier to get a guy to help me install an AC unit because he’s afraid of cultural castration. My butch just wants to drink all my whiskey and show me emo skater boy instagram reels.

People just assume I know what’s happening about a celebrity cancellation or political news. I am busy making girls watch basketball highlights and House MD bro what do you mean Lana Del Rey shot JD Vance but only because she was mad about his interracial marriage

Lately to save money I’ve been eating cheese roll ups and peanut butter sandwiches. I called it culinary age regression and everyone got mad at me.

If you can make it in Orc City, you can make it anywhere

I’ve been actually working hard at my job lately, and, annoyingly, it’s kinda paid off. Super pissed. In a just world I would be rewarded for just being chill with it

It’s really so easy. The other day my uncle asked me for picks, proceeded to not listen to me, and then everything I suggested was correct. That’s okay though I’m retired this was just a little time to go back to the old me

sports bet for the first time in over two years and turned 20 dollars into 125 immediately uninstalled it felt too good

ohhh… what a day what a day….. someone fetch me my mysteriously beautiful nurse for my morning bloodletting

I just saw Dasha and Anna K being dragged through the streets in handcuffs by teenage zohran activists in red guard uniforms. Hope you guys are happy.