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Mark Ruffalo sounds like the name a dog would give if he was pretending to be a man.

I just think that if someone isn't a pedophile, they'd be very excited to prove to everyone that they absolutely aren't a pedophile. They'd show everyone the Big Pedophile List like, "look, I'm super not on it." unless

I want to be cool and mysterious but I cannot fucking stop oversharing. I overshare so much that it makes people think I must be lying or hiding something which I guess circles right back to mysterious. nice

A show about successfully stealing birds from an aviary, call it How to Get Away with Murder

Solve a debate for me: after how many energy drinks in a single day is it healthier to just do coke

A 10 year old asked how tall I am and I said "around 5'9" but he insisted I was definitely taller, "at least 6 feet tall" like the little dude is already preparing to be a guy on a dating app

Smelling candles at Home Goods until I feel lightheaded like I'm doing the suburban mom version of whippets

Can't remember to take your meds? Start taking them immediately after you feed your cat bc guess who will never fucking forget to remind you to take your meds

Sorry I'm running late, I did absolutely nothing for the four hours before we planned to meet because I didn't know if I had time to start something without getting interrupted, and I was still frozen in indecision up until 5 minutes before I was supposed to be there.

Posing with invasive plants I removed like dudes pose with dead fish

Me: 8 pieces of candy is Too Many Candies to eat in a day. Me: [Eats 8 pieces of candy in a day] ok well now that I've had Too Many Candies, any more would still just be Too Many Candies so really all candy is fair game for the rest of today.

Thinking about cutting down my screen time to 22 hours a day

Mindfulness is out. We're doing drugs again.

I can't explain it, but liking Ben Shapiro feels antisemitic.

It's wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it's not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I've worked since I was 16, I don't spend money on things I don't need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

Accidentally taught my dog a new trick (social anxiety)

Frog: Woman: *smooch* Prince: thanks Woman: :) Prince: Woman: Prince: So you just kiss frogs huh

Dentist: You're going to feel some pressure. Me: Ok Dentist: You have a lot of potential, but your inability to commit to one thing means that you might just spend your life too overwhelmed by options to actually accomplish anything.

1920: Rich white men are in charge, and being a minority means that you live every day at the mercy of a society that hates you. 2025: Rich white men are in charge and being a minority means that you live every day at the mercy of a society that hates you, but there's Taco Bell.

Went down a rabbit hole after hearing about a kids show character named Sportacus & read that he made the show bc he wanted kids to be more active. Now decades later kids on tiktok are copying his push-up video & I'm high and crying bc he fucking did it. he made kids more active

This is going to be the first line of my autobiography