Keith Burge

40 years ago the world watched people starving and came to their aid. Today people are being deliberately starved and governments provide active or tacit support. Thank God it’s them instead of you eh?

It was lovely to see that Angelina Jolie had followed me. But I do feel bad for her, having only five followers herself.

"We're going to be tough on crime - other than the stuff that gets us votes, makes us money or shows the little lady who wears the trousers - and tough on the causes of crime - see above."

I thought killing innocent people was wrong. Turns out that saying innocent people are being killed is wrong. Funny old world.

“‘Swallow’. Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. 'Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave'? ‘Inner-City Sumo’? ‘Youth Hostelling with… Chris Eubank? ‘Monkey Tennis?’.”

And that's Phrazle 1,000 not out. I raise my bat to the pavilion whilst Andy Zaltzman rattles off a set of comprehensive, informative and yet incredibly dull statistics.

It doesn’t happen very often, but it’s so satisfying/infuriating when you know the answers on Only Connect and the teams don’t…

“And finally Mr Farage, what do you call a deer with no eyes?” “Small boats!”

Reform crime cutting measures include making it legal to: - attack police officers - terrorise asylum seekers - give your partner a slap - commit fraud

Farage has seen how much money Trump has made from being President and wants a piece of the action. It’s as simple as that.

Then imagine how stupid you are to dose up on painkillers and give it a go anyway. At least the weather in the Highlands is looking… oh.

Is there a better predictor of how your day is going to go than the number of attempts it takes to solve Wordle?

Following a long drive, I just tried ringing the Cones Hotline. Does it close early on a Friday?

That’s what happens when you employ Diana Ross as your penalty coach.

When you hit a long-agreed deadline and get an 'out of office' informing you the client is on leave for a fortnight...

So Camilla is being made a Vice Admiral because of, and I quote, "the respect for her amongst sailors". Not even Gregg Wallace could have come up with that.

Gaza is a crisis. Ukraine is a crisis. Masterchef is not a crisis.

Imagine being selected to run for England. And at my age! Training your heart out. Then an old back injury flaring up a few days before the event. And having to pull out. Imagine. #Distraught

BP Pulse charges between 44p and 89p (inc 20% VAT) per kWh to charge your car. Domestic electricity - which includes cost of environmental subsidies and 5% VAT - costs 25.73p. Wholesale price currently 7.9p before VAT. Someone is being ripped off.

So, Chelsea are the fourth best team in England but also the best team in the world? Hmm.