Paul Rudnick
@PaulRudnickNY
Novelist, playwright, essayist and screenwriter, whom the New York Times has called, “one of our pre-eminent humorists.” Illustration by Tom Bachtell
Another adulterous celebrity couple caught on the Jumbotron
Lara Trump has released a new single called "The Eyes of God." The full title is "The Smoky Evening Eyes of God Along With His New Lips and Chin"
Kristi Noem was just asked: "How many times did you have adulterous sex with Corey Lewandowski this morning?" "How many grades did you finish in elementary school?" "How many commandments do you believe in?" "How many dogs will you shoot on your lunch break?"
Authenticated image of Scott Bessent after he groveled and called Trump "our most economically sophisticated president in over 100 years, maybe ever." This is the first time in history that the words "Trump" and "sophisticated" have appeared in the same sentence
To distract from his current catastrophe, Trump's been ranting that the Washington Commanders must be forced to resume calling themselves the Redskins. Let's split the difference and call them the Washington Epsteins
I almost forgot about the Epstein Files after Trump ended all foreign wars on Day One. Oh wait...
Mike Johnson's recent searches: "Did Jesus like kissing?" "Is there porn where the man keeps his glasses on?" "When two guys have sex, which one is the Democrat?" "Does watching furniture refinishing videos count as cheating, if you climax?"
That moment when Elise Stefanik found out she doesn't appear in the Epstein Files. She plaintively asked, "Is there an index?"
Kristi Noem is sad because: - Her reality show PUPPY HUNT was canceled - She can't deport Chef Boyardee or Mama Celeste - Immigrant babies can slip out of handcuffs - Her BF Corey Lewandowski forgot the anniversary of their first time checking into a motel while his wife was out…
Trump's ankles have become so thick and slow he's named them Eric and Don Jr
Pam Bondi reportedly pressured over 1000 FBI agents to comb through the Epstein files and flag any mentions of Trump. Finally one agent suggested, "Wouldn't it be faster to find the three pages he's not mentioned on?"
After Mike Johnson lied about Trump's dismal approval ratings "skyrocketing", he explained, "I meant the ratings in my pants when I think about Trump, Jesus calling me his "little apostle bro" or eating ice cream while praying and rubbing myself against our sectional"
Tulsi Gabbard's been trying to crawl her way back into Trumpworld by spewing false accusations about Obama, to distract from the Epstein debacle. But it's not working
The Iron Dome which prevent drones, missiles, human emotions or any bill smaller than $100 from getting too close
SUPERMAN is terrific, smart and funny and deeply political, portraying the Man of Steel as a heroic immigrant. The villain is a bloodthirsty, repulsive Trump figure. It's a big hit and I wonder if any MAGAs catch on, or do they just ask, "Is Krypton near Ecuador"
The Melania Files reveal: - She asked Jeffrey Epstein if he was single and had a 401K - She was deported from a Slovenian prison and dumped into a third-tier modeling agency in NYC - She sexted Mr. Burns - On her Genius Visa her qualifications included "narrowing my eyes"
After Trump demanded that Coke use cane sugar all I kept thinking was: what if RFK Jr announces that Coke with cane sugar causes autism
Proof that Kristi Noem makes her own clothes but buys her hair at PetSmart
