Viktor Winetrout

You can find me here

[Leonard Cohen voice] I’ve heard there was a secret chimp

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. And shoplifting

What your tweet failed to consider is me, a stranger with bad opinions

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY IGNORING REALITY IN THE HOPE OF EXPERIENCING A BRIEF MOMENT OF HAPPINESS

If some dead guy emerged from a cave, I would beat him with a shovel

Hello sharks, today I am asking for a fake passport and a charter flight to a non-extradition country

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I just want a house with a tennis court and a vending machine and a chef. And a Jedi room. And a movie theater. Is that too much to ask?

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

It took 8 months, but we finally got the last item on our wedding registry.

and if you look out the window you'll see my ex-wife's house. she's with Todd now,that's his Camaro. I probably shouldn't be flying this low

If you live in Halifax, come check out my comedy album recording on March 29th. I'll be doing my best jokes from the last 10 years. Tickets: eventbrite.com/e/harrison-wei…

I’ve just had delivery of 3 pizzas I did not order. I have called the police.

Watched Renoir’s THE GRAND ILLUSION for the first time last week and it’s so good I’m seeing it again tomorrow at Doc, 7pm

One of the greatest to ever do it. RIP.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk* my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Save money this Valentine's Day by being unlovable