Sorrow-scopes

Aries: Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough, you worthless piece of shit.

Taurus: You will finally get an answer to the question: What’s the worst that could happen?

Gemini: An attractive stranger will let you pet their dog.

Cancer: If you get caught committing a crime, quickly commit a worse crime so that the first crime seems less bad by comparison.

Leo: Don't worry about that nightmare you had last night. It was only a premonition.

Virgo: The ghost children will have their revenge.

Libra: You will come into a large sum of money this week, but the bank will press charges.

Scorpio: Now is a great time to plan for your future, which, by our estimation, is about sixteen hours long.

Sagittarius: Stop filtering yourself. Share every thought that pops into your head. It'll be fine. Promise.

Capricorn: Most people like dogs, but you prefer something cold-blooded. A snake. A turtle. An ungrieved death.

Aquarius: This won't be much consolation, but he's technically a HATCHET murderer.

Pisces: Your doppelgänger’s out there somewhere. The same as you in every way, except they’re happy and fulfilled.