Weekday Jokes

Me: “Have you heard of Murphy’s law?” Wife: “Yeah” Me: “What is it?” Wife: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong” Me: “Have you heard of Cole’s law?” Wife: “No, what is it?” Me: “Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo”

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time... I was shocked

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house? A spoo-key

Why did the cyclops stop teaching at school? Because he only had one pupil

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position

My wife is furious at our neighbor who sunbathes naked in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

I don't mean to brag… But cashiers are always checking me out

“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere” Me: “Well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Mexico ‘98” “Really?” Me: “No”

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?" Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point"

While in an elevator I asked my girlfriend to marry me. We took our relationship to the next level

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo

My girlfriend complains a lot that I don't smile anymore. Well she's the one who wanted a serious relationship

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice

I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet

People say I have no will power. But I’ve quit drinking loads of times