paul bassett davies

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Found this on the beach at Brighton. Thinking of sleeping with it under my pillow because it can’t possibly be cursed or anything.

Every time Donald Trump sinks a putt an angel gets its scrotum trapped in a zipper.

I hate food packaging that pretends to be sentient. "Hello, I’m your delicious organic soup, lovingly crafted by soup artisans! Here’s how to heat me up to get the best from me…" Fuck off. If I wanted to eat food that tries to talk to me, I’d become a cannibal.

There are certain things of which one simply does not speak. As a result, nobody knows what they are.

The House of Lords gives peers £342 a day just for clocking on. A 10-hour shift as a resident doctor pays just £175.

Then they came for the camouflage experts, And they're still looking.

Hey Scotland, your reminder that any golf course can be a crazy golf course with enough whisky and a stolen combine harvester.

The best way to verify someone’s age is with TikTok. If they can’t make one, they’re old enough to watch porn.

A new political party that pledges to tax the rich, nationalise public services, and protect workers, the environment, and the NHS? Call it the Labour Party! No wait, sorry, apparently that name's already taken by a group of moderate Tories who won an election last year.

Keir Starmer has signed a multi-billion pound trade deal with Indian prime minister Narendra Modi. But is it wise to be seen cosying up to an autocratic leader with such a deplorable human rights record? The optics could really hurt Modi.

If my email went to your spam folder, that’s your fault. If your email went to my spam folder, that’s also your fault.

Welcome to Golden Gaza™️, the Riviera of the Middle East, from your hosts, the Trump-Netanyahu Leisure Corporation. Please ignore the howling of 100,000 ghosts and any human bones your kids unearth while making sandcastles. Relax, deny, enjoy! Development opportunities available.

Many people have legitimate concerns about things. The moment you choose to express them by forming a lynch mob, there's no longer anything legitimate about you, your concerns, or the unprincipled grifters like Farage who are cynically manipulating them.

I apologise if my recent post about Prince George offended some royalists. I intended to offend all of them.

I’m convinced that given encouragement and the right opportunities, and with enough dedication and application, men’s football could one day attain the same standard as the women’s game. #Lionesses

Ozzy Osbourne played a farewell show and left. A man of his word and an example to us all. Chew on a bat for me, king.

Great news for Ghislaine Maxwell. If she accepts a pardon from the DOJ in return for doing what they want, they'll give her a complementary designer t-shirt to wear when she's released.

#Writing tip: Every day, delete most of what you wrote yesterday, and write slightly less new material. Repeat the process until you’re left with a single word, but it’s perfect. Then delete it.