Matt, Preschool Diploma

I returned to Twitter this week after being suspended for 2 1/2 months. Twitter did not reinstate my account. Rather, I dropped my appeal. Now, I want to tell you why. Here's my story of what happened. 🧵

The fact that I had never, not once in my life, heard the term "corn sweat" until this week and now everyone is using it as if it's always been in the vernacular, makes me not want to ever use it.

I don’t think Gatorade & the WNBA fully thought this marketing campaign through 😆

Malcolm-Jamal Warner Ozzy Osbourne Hulk Hogan Consider how those three lived their respective lives, and that wholesome family man Malcolm Jamal-Warner was the one who died young. It doesn't seem fair because it's not. We are not ultimately in full control. Cherish every day.

Hey, did kids in the 70's and 80's really just go out without phones and their parents didn't know where they were? What's an awkward song to play at a wedding? I just paid $45 for a cheeseburger and Sprite. How do people survive in this economy? (That's how it's done, right?)

The most “conformist” woman in the world. 😂😂😂

I won't mention the obvious here, but speaking as a former young male, once you have enlisted a Young Male Outreach Coordinator, you have already lost the plot. You can only gain male support with what you authentically are. Men instinctively recoil at being patronized.

"Tear Stained Eye" by Son Volt. My favorite song in the world. youtu.be/SIHtFySoo6U?si…

If the past 24 hours taught me anything, it's that we need more married CEOs to get caught on jumbotrons cuddling HR directors, because it brings everyone together in agreement. Someone's cheating, Lord. kumbaya. Oh, Lord , kumbaya.

Predictions: *This will be the biggest fundraising week in the history of PBS and NPR. *The funds raise will surpass the amount of government money being cut. *PBS and NPR will become more overtly biased to the left. The left will cry bloody murder but then reap benefits.

Everywhere I go in real life, I'm asking Trump voters I know how much they care about Epstein and one quote really stood out: "People who talk for a living are overestimating how much people who don't talk for a living care about this." Beware the bubble.

The ESPY Awards are a ridiculous concept. Athletes win games and win the championship. Their leagues even give out individual awards. There is NO NEED FOR AN AWARDS SHOW. The ESPYs are superfluous. Just go win the games! That's what sports are! That is all.

The Red Sox are going to win the World Series

The modern American left is a godless, political religion. It's so clear. "I show my righteousness by forgiving the people I am better than even though I am better than them, and this shows yet again my superiority." Textbook incorrect Christian theology. They're oblivious.

Because I just got back from church, I so badly want Jannik Sinner to form a doubles partnership with a tax collector.

If you wanted to stop Trump from controlling the executive branch, you should have offered the American people a better alternative. Democrats didn't.

The laid-off government employees video is a sort of sad counterpart to the happy dancing nurses videos of the Covid era. Mirror images of the same strain of performative narcissism. People do, and lose their jobs every day. Acting as if this is unique to you is unsympathetic.

It's July, so it is of course time to listen to "Summertime," by DJ Jazzy Jellyfish and Fresh Prince.

How come the underwear bomber never got more attention? That could have kicked the TSA up to a whole new level