scoot

body doubling is not enough, I need this to get anything done

you can pry the em dash out of my cold dead hands — it’s the perfect shape and length to indicate a break in thought without resorting to the cheap ellipsis or the foolish semicolon

hello I'm doing my final encore shows of god's favourite this weekend at comedy republic <3 july 26th (sat) 6.00pm & 7.30pm ticket here: comedyrepublic.com.au/event/38:486/

they should make a cigarette that has 10.9 grams of protein per serve. something like this

huge news for bears, dads and any other husky fellas with deviated septums!

Not your mum, not your milk!

In the criminal justice system, musculoskeletal offences are considered especially heinous

the mullet is a haircut traditionally reserved for men who can't process emotions, but nowadays it's also open to women who can't process dairy. and I'm a little bit of both :)

podcast host: “the following episode contains graphic material that may be disturbing or distressing to some listeners”

when I was in year four I read my mum's copy of this book and then made a spreadsheet on butcher’s paper tracking my classmates’ behaviour

when we want to be loved but must submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known

sad day for dancing with the stars

what if we kissed at the art deco heritage listed Clifton Hill McDonald’s?

can’t go to sleep right now, it’s 11.07. that’s a chaotic and senseless number! I have to wait for a round, respectable number, something noble like 11.15 or 11.30

Royal Commission into the WOKE ABC’s decision to reincarnate beautiful Amelia Earhart as a MAN with a NEW ZEALAND accent!!!!!

Daniel Ricciardo looking like a forensic reconstruction of Jesus Christ at Wimbledon

not now darling, I’m waiting for the jury to finish deliberating in the mushroom case