Sheena

Sitting in my nurses uniform, taking five minutes after a long day. I’m not a nurse, this is just how role play goes when you’re single.

When you fancy taking the train. Trainline: That’ll be £167 Me: Oh, that’s quite a lot for a short journey Trainline: Walk then you fat c*nt.

One day you’re young and cool, the next, you’re bagging up your vitamins into little drug dealer bags.

When you can’t pay the rent so you offer to flash your tits. I love Monopoly.

Packing for a few days away, it’s summer but you’re in the UK. T-shirts Shorts Trousers Jumpers Swimming costume Sun hat Bobble hat Rain coat Big coat Flip flops Trainers Snow boots Socks Tights Thermals Umbrella Sunscreen 28 pairs of pants

In a parallel universe, there are fish who have profile pictures of themselves standing in a river holding a tiny man.

In August I have nine consecutive child free nights. I might do something wild like leave the house after 8pm. I’ll probably be back by 8:30pm, but still, what a buzz.

A colleague popped out to buy some biscuits and cakes for the office, you can imagine my disappointment when they returned with malted milks .

I’m now on day three of being nice to myself. Which means that I’m readjusting the little voice inside my head to be more positive. Basically, I can’t call myself a dickhead anymore, but you lot can still call me one.

Nothing goes slower than that working week before your annual leave.

It turns out I’m winning at parenting, because my daughter told me that one of her friends said i was ‘cool’.

As if I wasn’t a catch already, you should know that I’m now a fully paid up member of both the English Heritage and National Trust.

If Monday was a chocolate it would be the coffee one from a bag of revels.

The Antiques Roadshow is in Liverpool, where apparently everyone is really small. #antiquesroadshow

It doesn’t matter how old you are, when it starts thundering and lightning you go and sit at the window to watch.

I’m not being dramatic but i might be the first person to die from hayfever.