Robert Wilkinson

Popeye stops his favourite tool from rusting by dipping it in olive oil.

Twitter break time. Amuse yourself.

Made me angry ...

I won't sleep until I find a cure for insomnia.

If my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

I'm good at getting on aeroplanes. I went to boarding school.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. I think it's because his name is David.

Man (doing a crossword): "Three sided shape, eight letters." Me: "Triangle". Man: "Angle's only got five letters."

I'm enjoying my retirement after being a cricket umpire. I no longer lift a finger.

Today would have been my birthday if I had been born on this date.

I was going to tell a joke about a broken clock but it's not the right time.

And that's how I was banned from the school barbeque.

Just saw a sign saying 'mosquito nets £10.' I didn't even know they could play the lottery.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

I always thought my grandad was a war hero, but he was hit by a number 12 bus going to Uxbridge, and was killed in Acton.

I met a woman in the pub, she said "my friends call me Vivaldi." "Ah, so you love your Classical music then?" I asked. She replied "No, my name's Viv and I work in Aldi."

Son; "Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?" Me, "No, I was shot in the leggy."

Just been charged £80 for protein powder. That's whey overpriced.

The world's oldest paperboy has died at 82. The couple at 84 complained that their paper hadn't arrived yet.

My mobile phone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday. It was some pretty good footage.