incorrect criminal minds quotes

Penelope: if you don’t get enough sleep, then how do you even function? Emily: i run on three fuels: spite, coffee and chocolate. *JJ, hugging her from behind and kissing her neck* Emily, blushing: ok, maybe there's a fourth fuel.

Emily: i did what i needed to do to survive. Emily: then i did a bunch of other stuff i felt like doing.

JJ: Emily is so stunning, like if she bent me over a desk and plowed me, i’d probably really enjoy myself. JJ: no homo though. Derek: how powerful does your stupid ass think “no homo” is?

JJ: who’s that texting you? Emily: the pizza delivery girl. JJ: did she say you looked pretty? Emily: …yes. Luke, to Matt: we’re gonna have to bury a body again, aren’t we? Matt: grab the shovel.

Emily: her boobs ease the pain. i call that “iboobprofen”.

Hotch: is anybody going to tell me what the hell is going on here? Derek: it’s kinda complicated, but Emily– Hotch: got it. forget i asked.

Will: is that your hand on my wife's ass? Emily: it was an accident. Will: your hand is still on her ass. Emily: it’s still an accident.

JJ: are you trying to seduce me? Emily: why? are you seducible?

Spencer: you wanna know how punk i am? Spencer: *punches a wall* Hotch: Spencer: Spencer: take me to the hospital.

JJ: i’m not gay. Derek: that’s what a gay person would say.

Derek: my sister is pregnant, i can’t wait to find out if i’m gonna be an aunt or an uncle. Rossi: that’s not how it works. Derek: pretty sure it is.

Derek: “coward” should really mean to move in the direction of a cow, and i’ll stand by that. Rossi: have you hit your head? Emily: no, he’s right!

Penelope: fuck marry kill; JJ, Hotch, and Derek. Emily: fuck AND marry JJ. i'll kill everyone else. Penelope: no that's not how this works–

JJ: i can’t believe i agreed to this. Emily: me neither honestly, i was certain i was going to have to bribe you.

[after JJ showed up with a ring in s4] Penelope: you’re jealous! Emily: jealous? Penelope: that’s why you were being so negative about this. Emily: that’s absurd. i’m always negative.

JJ: i give up on men. Emily: 👀

Spencer, waiting for breakfast: can i get a waffle? Derek and Emily: *fighting each other viciously behind the counter* Spencer: can i please get a waffle?

Luke: is anyone else scared? Emily: not really, i’ve already lived longer than i expected.

JJ: truth or dare? Emily: truth. JJ: how many hours have you slept this week? Emily: Emily: dare. JJ: go to sleep. Emily: i don't like this game.

Spencer: christmas lights? JJ: check. Penelope: thermos of hot cocoa? JJ: check. Spencer: santa suits? JJ: check. Derek: shovel? JJ: check. Emily: alibi and bail money? JJ: check– wait, what??