Fesshole🧻

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My girlfriend puts on an unholy amount of lip balm. I hate how it feels on my lips so every time she gives me a kiss I have to wipe the lip balm off. I feel so guilty every time as it feels like I'm wiping away her love.

When my other half is nagging me to death on WhatsApp I move them into archived as a silent punishment. Its my little way of telling them to fuck off without actually saying it and making it worse.

Helped my now wife apply for a job in the same small company I work for, told her I'd submit it to my boss but I binned it instead. I love her but the idea of working with her everyday was unbearable. Blamed boss for rejecting it, she later refused to invite him to our wedding.

I work in a small supermarket in a very Tory village. Whenever people are rude to me I always add a charity donation onto their total, usually £2. Guess whose branch has the highest total charity donation in our area?

My uncle was always a massive dick. During a family holiday in the pool he kept dunking my head under water - 8 year old me had enough, I went up to the lifeguard and told him that "a strange man was following me" He got kicked out and never forgave me.

Worked in Asda, walked up to a gent struggling with his basket, and asked if he needed a hand. He paused, lifted his arm, and showed me his stump. He cracked a smile and said "yeah mate, I could". 20 years later, I still cringe at the thought. I didn't notice.

We had a organisation-wide welfare meeting. Got there and it was being run by a women who was the ex of three people in the room and dating one other. None of them knew about each other, I didn't share despite spending the meeting texting all three emotional support.

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I pay for all the subscriptions at home. My boyfriend likes to rewatch series multiple times like old Gogglebox episodes which I ABSOLUTELY hate, so instead of telling him I've been blocking series with the parental controls so he thinks they've been removed.

The wife and I have grown apart over the past year. I've taken to bringing out a tub of ice cream more than once a week because it's the only time she'll snuggle up to me on the couch as I hold the tub. I've put on more than a stone since.

I have a rare blood type which the wife has recently discovered. Keeps calling me a selfish cunt for not donating. What she hasn't discovered is the copious amounts of Tren I'm on.

I travel a lot for my job and stay in a lot of hotels. I usually try and find a nice bar nearby for a few drinks but I don't like the thought that people think I'm drinking alone. I always buy a small wine and place it in a seat opposite Then they just think I've been stood up.

I have done lots of project management type jobs in my life and like to tell my wife I'm project managing her house work etc. Using all the management speech gibberish of a true twat for my entertainment. One day she may kill me in my sleep and I'll deserve it.

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Used to be in bands. Guitarist in one of them had a girlfriend who knew Sharon Osbourne and was offering to connect us. Exciting. Said we needed an 'image' first, though. We were 4 scruffy stoners imitating Mogwai. That was our image. Safe to say that went absolutely nowhere.

I've never had more attention from the ladies in my entire life than the day I stood in the middle of the dancefloor in the main marquee at Perth Horse Races holding a massive bag of chips. Can thoroughly recommend.

Years ago I was a barman in London. We called a plumber for a leak and when he arrived at the bar I said "walk this way" and did the Marty Feldman hunchback and limp gag. He gave me a foul look - he actually had a hunchback and a limp. My subconscious hates me.

I run a car park and saw a homeless guy taking a shit in one of the parking bays. A short time later I saw a local weed dealer was hanging with his pit-bull off the lead. Had a chat with him about his dog taking a shit. Good lad cleared it up. No guilt here.

I live at my parents' house and my girlfriend lives with her parents, we stay at hers for the majority of the week, sometimes I just lie that I'm busy just to have a night away. Phone goes on airplane mode for a few hours

I'm a pilot, if I don't like the look of the passengers as they board I deliberately put the fasten seatbelt sign on mid flight so they can't get up and go to the toilet. I generally keep it on for 30-45 minutes depending on how long the flight is.