Dave † 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇺🇸🇮🇪🎸🎶

I couldn’t afford to take the kids to Sea World. So I took them to the fishmongers and said, “Shhhhh, they’re sleeping”.

Breaking News:- As experts warn the cost-of-living crisis is about to get 'much, much worse, bosses at DFS say their sale may only be sustainable for another 18 years.

George tried to wake Peppa, but she wasn't responding...........

Just got banned from B&Q, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking...... Luckily I got the first punch in.

I think my wife is sending subliminal messages to me.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette but you know what it's like with kids, in one ear and out the other

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our German Shepherd is at the vets, they've given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Breaking News: The Alpacalypse has begun. It’s Llamageddon.

Just saw a sign in a pet shop window: Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary.

This would be funny, except there’s no punchline…..

😜😜👍🏻👍🏻🍷🍷

No collar. Found this poor guy eating a dead rabbit on side of road. He's a little snappy struggled getting him into my car think it's some kind of husky...... .....Please share this so we can find his owners.

I've always wondered why The Hulk doesn't lose his trousers when he transforms. I think it's probably because the scientific experiments altered his Jeans.

It would appear I am incredibly trustworthy and honest! 😜🥃🥃

"The names Bond.…..James Bond.” "And you are.............?

I started the Sodom and Gomorrah diet about a week ago. Thave already lost a Lot.

"We've invented a new toilet cleaner with a neck like a swan, it has a neck like a swan so it can reach behind the rim" "What do you call this swan necked product?" "Toilet duck"

I think I will just leave this here......

It’s a good job that Neil Armstrong went to the moon 56 years ago today and not in 2025.