carter hambley
@carterhambley
comedian. writer. full of shrapnel
just imagined a tiny man without a hope in the world. what a loser.
we got nominated for an Emmy today. last picture unrelated
if i saw a dog alone in a hot car, i’d immediately break the window and put more dogs in there. dog party up in that bitch
[talking to Death] mmmmm not a big chess guy. do u got jenga
[trying to insult a guy I can find no flaws with] haha. bro’s late for the gumdrop smile contest
[over drive thru intercom] pull forward to the window. i fucking dare you to pull up to the window. im with 90 guys andwe’re gonna kill you at the window
flying across the country to give my father the heimlich maneuver. hang in there big dog
brooklyn is full of guys who are balding in the specific way a wizard does when they’ve been gripped with madness
something freeing about the thought of being killed with a laser. ain’t nothin I can do about that
another day at the peloton factory rubbing my bare ass on all the pelotons
i always walk around with an empty turtle shell just in case I see a naked turtle. then I could wave it around and go “oh bet you’d looooove this huh” and throw it in a fire or something
got my dog microchipped so if he runs away I can just press a button and he’ll explode
sucks that 1-800-GAMBLER is for gambling addiction and not a direct hotline to the baddest playas in the game
i love the burbank airport it’s like if planes took off from a nursing home
im in the back of the waymo practicing my stroke game