Associate Deans
@ass_deans
Making fun of middle management in colleges and universities. Because you can never have too many associate deans conspiring to be THE dean.
We are getting rid of two-factor authentication— we’re just subdermal-chipping all employees.
Don’t be dramatic, you aren’t being canceled. You just can’t teach here again.
We’ve replaced the three-hour DEI training module with a video of the Muppets singing “Shining Happy People” with REM. The trustees approved it on a 5-4 vote. Elmo didn’t seem happy during the performance
IT asked that we remind you that bringing your own device to work is a huge security risk. Also, they are instituting a mandatory two-factor confirmation for every login, sent to your personal phone.
Getting rid of DEI also got rid of the longest training module in the faculty system. So it wasn’t all bad.
We’ve sent IT (and legal) an email to see if it is possible to fix what you screwed up. For the record, it isn’t - at least not by our IT staff.
The college isn’t bowing to political pressure, we are just settling out of court to make all those investigations go away.
We discovered that your department’s administrative assistant has a ‘key’ for the professional ethics training module quizzes. Thank you all for supplying the case for a new module!
Every year at this time, we remind new faculty that the old faculty in the department have been fighting since 1984. They don’t remember what they are fighting over, but you’ll need to pick a side. Good luck!
Yes there will be a search committee for the new dean. The president told me to form a committee and go find Andy.
We are good on our hiring strategy. We explained to the regents that we weren’t hiring faculty to increase diversity. We were hiring diverse faculty because we could pay them less.
If register early enough to get a discount on registration fees, you’ll run afoul of our accounting rules on timely receipts. But if you incur a late fee, we won’t pay because you incurred a late fee. Now do you understand?
As department chair, we need you to talk to your endowed chair about his zipper problem. And no, we don’t mean that figuratively, we mean it literally. He keeps teaching class completely unaware his pants are unzipped.
The conch used to announce faculty meetings shattered when we fired the faculty senate president.
Your non-renewal has nothing to do with your criticism of the governor, it is purely a financial decision. Speaking of which, I need to see how the remodel of my office is going!
Of course faculty didn’t get any input on the selection of the new dean. We didn’t want them to screw it up again.
The business school over-expanded, and enrollments are lagging. So below are planned cuts in the College of Arts & Humanities. We are, after all, one university!
When I said I had the file on my desk and would be making a decision soon, I didn’t mean I actually had the file on my desk or that there actually was a file or that I would be making decision soon. I was just trying to get you to shut up about it for a while.