The Onion
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What To Know About The Epstein Files theonion.com/what-to-know-a…
Congress Advises Newly Evicted Americans To Just Relocate To Second Home theonion.com/congress-advis…
‘Must Be A Waymo,’ Bystanders Say Of Moron Stuck Backing Up In Alley For Half Hour theonion.com/must-be-a-waym…
Happy Monday, Everyone! Looking Forward To Another Week Of Infecting Every Aspect Of Your Daily Lives! theonion.com/happy-monday-e…

Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi theonion.com/grandmas-hospi…
Local Dumbfuck On Jumbotron Waits Until Last Damn Second To Wave theonion.com/local-dumbfuck…
Elderly Woman Keeps Mind Active Justifying Trump’s Actions theonion.com/elderly-woman-…
DOJ Removes All Mentions Of Justice From Website theonion.com/doj-removes-al…
I Don't Like The Person You Become When You're On The Jumbotron theonion.com/i-dont-like-th…
Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself theonion.com/group-of-teen-…
Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfriend Closes In On Truth theonion.com/man-s-use-of-b…
Couple's Divorce Stuns Tight-Knit Community Of Manhattan theonion.com/couples-divorc…
Nation Boards Up Windows, Retreats To Cellar As Lena Dunham Reenters News Cycle theonion.com/nation-boards-…
Rabid RFK Jr. Bites Foreign Dignitary theonion.com/rabid-rfk-jr-b…
Grandmother’s Sudden Death Forces Parents To Explain To Children What Happens When You Snitch theonion.com/grandmother-s-…
Trump Urges Supporters To Move On From Societal Disdain For Pedophilia theonion.com/trump-urges-su…
"Obviously, I wouldn’t be doing my kids any favors if I sent them out into the world not knowing how to sustain a gunshot wound to the chest." theonion.com/if-i-take-a-bu…