James Tiberius Shirtless Kirk 🚀

So, the @Amazon phone app just thought I'd like Billy Joel t-shirts and hoodies. I've never bought anything to do with him. Yesterday I was watching Orphan Black: Echoes. During that, I queried aloud "Piano Man?" about a poorly sung snippet. You eavesdropping fuckers.

"My old schoolhouse is half full of sand now": some old bloke who watched it slowly fill up over 40 years and never once thought of bringing a bucket. #Countryfile

"If I had a photograph of you..." #Countryfile calendar

"One of the best views in Yorkshire": a view without any of Yorkshire in it. 🤔 #Countryfile

Yorkshire rap. Just needs to drop a backing beat. #Countryfile

Only a fuckwit or someone on the take (maybe both) would think that entrusting import lorry drivers to turn up 70 miles from point of entry for checks instead of using existing facilities at the port is a good idea. And also to not have decent records of it. #Countryfle

Only a fuckwit or someone on the take (maybe both) would think that breaking a biosecurity chain with an underfunded yet overcharging unnecessary extra testing step is a good idea. #Countryfile

£70 each for a bit of laminate with some coloured squares on attached to a clip? That's some profit margin. #Countryfile

"Flock" of geese? #Countryfile

Never bought a single thing from you lot and am only following for shits and giggles. Here's your coveted engagement.

BBC commentator: "It's not the Simone Biles show" No, it's the "oh, shit, Simone Biles has turned up" show. #OlympicGames #Gymnastics

Zero effort, zero points. For shame, Tomasz #Countryfile

Any jeweller that doesn't know the difference between a citrine and a yellow sapphire is either inept or trying to pull a fast one. #AntiquesRoadshow

That sheep rotation device to make it easier to trim their hooves, etc.. Wish I'd had one of those 40 years ago instead of getting back strain... #ThisFarmingLife

So, it's a single sex youth club, then. Sounds like Scouts and Guides... BTW, is there a corresponding BrotherWood? #Countryfile

Nothing quite like a picnic by a shit-filled river and playing count the discarded nappy to improve your mental health. #Countryfile

My octogenarian father who freely admits he "knows nothing about computers" has been able to save and print documents sent to him via email for over 20 years. Jarnail Singh is a fucking liar.

Unsurprisingly "Minister for sugar" parrots the same disingenuous claptrap as British Sugar about overseas environmental harm and imports if we don't use neonics here. A "one-off" four years in a row is a status quo. #Countryfile

Congratulations to Mahler Mission who crossed the line second in the #GrandNational without needing a jockey spurring him on for well over a mile.

Missed opportunity for a Vetruvian Tennant