Reportista™ (Tier 1 Satire)

All characters, quotes, and stats on this page are fictional, exaggerated, or satirical. This is Rèportista FC, where football news gets the parody it deserves. ✅ Satire account. ❌ No malice intended. 💙 Enjoy responsibly. Follow @ReportistaFC for more

🚨 𝗕𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗞𝗜𝗡𝗚: Rodrygo has rejected Tottenham after searching “Tottenham trophies” on Google and got a 404 error

🚨 Laporta on missing Lamine Yamal’s party 🗣️ “my invite ‘got lost’. Still hurts.”

🚨BREAKING: A new global study has revealed Arsenal fans have an average IQ of 69.4📉 ( Source @ReportedlyFC )

🚨EXCL: Newcastle have reportedly added Nicolas Jackson to their list of targets. Sources say the club is exploring a “chaos-first, goals-later” strategy.

🚨 Chelsea have now generated over £150M in player sales this summer alone. Sources say Clearlake Capital are only 3 players away from qualifying for the UEFA Champions League of FFP 💰📈

🚨 𝗡𝗘𝗪: Pep Guardiola on growing a moustache: 🗣️ “I just needed a fresh start. The beard gave us a treble… maybe the ‘stache brings back the Carabao.”

🚨 BREAKING: Chelsea reportedly under investigation for potential money laundering after selling Noni Madueke and João Félix for over £100M combined. 💸💙

🚨 BREAKING: A new global study has officially ranked Chelsea FC as the most hated club in football history. ( Source: European University of Objective Hatred. )

🚨NEW IN: Viktor Gyökeres on rejecting Chelsea and man united for Arsenal 🗣️ “Jesus told me to. No, not spiritually. Gabriel Jesus literally texted me: ‘Come Arsenal bro.’”

🚨 UEFA reportedly made a €25M loss from organizing the Women’s Euros. Meanwhile, England’s women made history, fans made memories, and young girls made dreams. But sure, let’s measure it in profit. 😂👏 #BackTheWomen #NotEverythingIsAboutMoney

Xavi Simons to Chelsea is really close now especially since Joao Felix to Al Nassr is all but certain ⏳ So how are we feeling about this signing ?

God won’t do what you’re avoiding.