Peter Jones
@PeterTheJones
Comedian. TV Writer. Jones.
I think I know who's going to be the new drive host on Nova.
RIDDLER. Exactly the same as Joker except he hosts trivia every Wednesday in the beer garden if you’re around and want to bring some mates down you could win a jug of beer and watch the world burn.
This Doritos flavour is me trying to describe a show I didn’t like to the person that made it.
Running for President looks a lot like doing the worst open mics in every city.
Next stop on our Winnebago tour: Saint's Rest Coffee in Grinnell. We are fired up and ready to go! #GiddyUp
I played a security guard on TV and made it into the Daily Mail. I am the PC police and I have gone mad.
What's with these over involved security personnel at the moment? Even The Project guards have introduced a zero-tolerance policy. You can't say anything these days! Poor @pjhelliar
I’ve never seen Black Mirror but based on everybody’s tweets about it I have constructed this joke: An episode of Black Mirror where a sexy calculator turns out to be your dad.
You, an idiot: complaining about the Game of Thrones finale. Me, a genius: always complaining about everything.
Just voted for my third time today, it’s actually pretty easy. Just say “no” when they ask if you’ve already voted and then when they’re like “ok good” you wink at them and then when they say “did you wink at me?” just say “no” then they’ll say “hmm” and then you can vote again.
If Karen O was Matthew McConaughey the band would be named the Alright Alright Alrights.
The six saddest words in the English language are actually - FOR SALE: Razor Scooter, ridden heaps.
Getting pretty sick and tired of walking into saloons and having everybody stop and look at me. Like, I get it, I’m a stranger just rolled in from out of town with revenge on his mind, but y’all don’t have to look at me all at the same time, it’s unsettlin’.
If you can’t handle me at my Dicko, you don’t deserve me at my Ian Dickson.
Remember when Joanne Lees & her boyfriend came to Australia and one of us murdered him in the outback and the rest of us were like “sheee did it” and it turned out she didn’t do it and then one of us made Wolf Creek and a bunch of us were like “great movie”. What a psycho country