Olly iConic
@OllyiConic
s c u m
wife: i’m going into labor husband: when wife: now husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Show up a few minutes early for your interview. Try to wear a shirt, and remain calm. If you don’t wear a shirt, that’s ok too. Tell them you have a normal amount of shirts at home and it won’t happen again.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
god: how are they doing down there angel: [long cigarette drag] not good
olive garden host: welcome to ol- me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[being thrown from a moving vehicle] right here is fine
if you wanna make a real butterfly (from scratch) you gotta glue two falling leaves to a worm and throw it in the air
ME: may i see a milk list WAITER: a milk list ME: that’s right WAITER: we only have 3 kinds ME: you got chocolate WAITER: yes ME: what year WAITER: why this one of course ME: bring the jug
please no spoilers i will never see this movie but i do want you to stop talking
had to say goodbye to my grandpa today he says he needs to cut the losers out of his life
took my dog out to do her business (she is a drug dealer)
kidnapper: we have your son dad: let me talk to him kidnapper: ok you’re on speaker dad: idiot
*scrolling* what is wrong with people? *scrolls for 9 more hrs*
suspect: i ain’t talkin cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake] suspect: can i have some cop: cake is for talkers
[standoff] NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[uses the term ‘balls deep’ six times during a job interview at khols]