Mitten d'Amour

Witnessed a woman visit the on-train lavatory COMPLETELY BARE FOOT. Just fucking trigger the nuclear apocalypse now, we’re done here.

People’s IQs should be presented like the weather: Actual IQ: 125 Feels like: 97

Now every damn time Law & Order come on I'll be up doing this. 😂

Meanswear Guy on ‘cake watch’ is a public service.

Trains: Coach A is my Quiet Carriage 🤗 Breeders: NOT ON MY WATCH

Category is… off to visit the maternal origin.

Love this Regent Street store whose staff during Trans Pride got clothes from the shelves and arranged an impromptu flag

Toothpaste has no business tasting as aggressively hateful as it does.

‘Life’, a three act play.

Sir, you now have gills

Another angle for more pleasure 😌

Just landed in Heathrow Airport T3. Went into M&S. Three @marksandspencer staff minding their own business. I asked them “Why aren’t I the main character here?” They responded more professionally than I deserve. We must soil ourselves loudly online racistly every time.

Look, I know eyes are on the truly abject war crimes and horrors taking place in the world right now, but spare a thought for me, having to reset the microwave clock AGAIN because the cleaner refuses to use one of the other five kitchen sockets.

Did a germ write this?

I’m only taking the tube as I have a cold and I want to *conserve energy *inflict it on as many others as possible

Love phone signal on the tube but I think everyone needs to remember the cardinal rule of this subterranean luxury: IT IS NOT FOR PHONE CALLS. EVER.

I’ve got a rotten cold and The Bastards have just been assaulted with flea drops so the fug self pity in this house is at near-choking levels.

Wand erection.

'Overmorrow' has entered the chat demanding the same damn love you all give 'petrichor'.