meeka

a piece of my roomba broke off and it vacuumed it up. self sucking little freak

its a million degrees outside but this beer ain't

my ex and i don’t share custody of our pets but we do let them visit each other because they love each other so much

instagram has started showing me ads for autism tests which i'm sure is totally unrelated to the fact that i just spent the weekend at my brother’s lotr themed wedding where 1 in 5 guests were from their D&D groups

she doesn't know her flight was about to be delayed 5 hours

well he has been completely normal but he just informed me he spiked his lemonade and "the training wheels are coming off"

idk guys i think the punishment (divorce) fits the crime (coldplay concert)

i asked my brother if he was going to have an open bar at his wedding and he said there will be communion, i hope jesus is ready to get a transfusion

that's it, I'm ready to find love

“have you ever tried this one?" *starts sobbing in the fetal position*

telling people i didn't watch the youtube link they sent me because it didn't pass the bechdel test

i always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude

how many of yall would get cancelled if someone leaked your priv

frank is staring at me like this in 90% of the pictures i take

red heads are crazy because they are full of red 40

friend with benefits? how about someone who loves me unconditionally with benefits?

seeing a rotisserie chicken for $5 doesn’t make me sad in an animal rights way, it’s just being slowly spun with a stick up my butt only to end up in a plastic coffin next to coleslaw for $4.99 feels like the most humiliating way to go

pet play but it's me feeding you hydrogen peroxide until you puke up that thing you weren't supposed to eat

hey man we're flying too close to the sun later if you wanna swing by