Fake Mark Carney

Let's get to work.

Donald Trump sent us a letter indicating that the new tariff deadline is August 1st. I had my own July 21st deadline, but since the President said August 1st, I've changed our deadline to meet his. I don't have the ability to stand up to Trump. I am a weak and spineless man.

#BREAKING: I caved. And I did it late on a Sunday night, so no one would notice. I'm a spineless weasel.

"And then, I told everybody to put their elbows up!" 😂🤣😂

Boy, I'm sure glad that everyone is going after the Trump-Epstein connection while completely ignoring this photo.

Sure I lied about my investments, and sure most of them are American companies, but it gets worse. Some of those companies I'm invested in are actively lobbying my office for favours. If you think I'm in this to fight for Canadians, I've got a bridge to sell you.

I'm so much like Trump, that I'm implementing Trump-like tariffs of my own! And the best part? America is exempt! If you voted for me because you hated Trump or thought I'd retaliate against the US, you've been thoroughly duped.

This morning, a reporter asked me how I can convince Canadians that I'm still Elbows Up, and my answer is clear. "Ummm. Ahhh. Uhhhh." I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm also not a good actor like Justin was, so I just mumble my answers instead of actually saying anything.

During the campaign, I said we would never tolerate American tariffs on Canadian goods. I also said we'd fight back with "dollar-for-dollar" tariffs, to cause maximum pain for America. Now, I'm completely tolerating tariffs and not fighting back at all. I lied to Canadians.

My elbows cannot get any lower.

I keep saying things like "Canada's new government", and "it's time to spend less and invest more". But the truth is, Canada's new government is literally the same as Canada's old government. And spending and investing are the same thing. I'm a shallow, slogan obsessed PM.

How do you do, fellow cowbo... ahem... cowpeople?

It's not just that I missed catching the pancake, because I'm an unathletic nerd. What's really shocking is me mouthing the word "f*ck", knowing I'm on camera. My entire existence is a performance, and I'm upset that I look bad. I can't hide in my bankers office anymore.

I know it. You know it. And the world knows it. I caved to President Trump. Now all you #ElbowsUp retards have to scramble to justify what you meant when you said "Canada First", but I have no doubt you will. Liberals are great at twisting the narrative to fit reality.

By caving to President Donald Trump, who I respect and adore very much, I have issued the following directive. Effective immediately.

Well, I screwed up. I convinced Canadians that I'd define a new economic and trade relationship with America, and now they're freezing us out. It's a good thing the people who voted for me will be able to justify their delusions about Conservatives, and keep voting for me!

Today, I was asked if my insane out of control spending commitments will lead to increased taxes. How dare a peasant ask me that! Watch as I roll my eyes, then fumble over my answer with countless "umms" and "uhhhs", without actually providing a response.

Well Canada, you voted for me. And now, you're getting exactly what you voted for. My Government has a history of destroying Canadian prosperity through excessive taxation and inflation caused by over-spending. And that's exactly what we're going to keep doing.

You want to know how much we're spending on things? Too bad. I like to keep that secret. Whether it's federal budgets or festival budgets, I'm a slimy banker who spends your money without telling you where it's going.

You've said that life is too expensive, and my Government is listening. That's why we're giving you $280 back. Sure, we take half your salary in taxes and $280 won't even buy a weeks groceries for your family. But we are the elite. We give you breadcrumbs, and you say thanks.