litigation_god

Pre-COVID hearings: Wake up at 6 AM, iron the “good” suit, drive an hour downtown, fight for parking, sweat through your shirt carrying binders nobody ever read, wait for hours in an old moldy courtroom hoping you wouldn’t be called last, 5 minute argument and a 30-second ruling.…

Opposing counsel just filed a Motion with four em dashes. It also says “in today’s ever-evolving legal landscape” and “let’s unpack this.”

John Wick is secretly the greatest love story. Man leaves the hitman life for a woman, she dies, her last gift is a puppy. They kill the puppy and he basically says fine, I’ll burn the entire planet down. Shakespeare could never.

Inflation made eggs $8, rent a mortgage payment, and lawyers $1k an hour to copy-paste motions. But serving someone in person, on their property, where they might actually murder you? Still $100. Arizona Iced Tea and process servers, holding the line for decades.

Hyper-successful lawyers think differently. I met a divorce lawyer in MA making $20M/yr. I asked how much he spends on marketing? billboards? Ads? He looked confused: “Marketing? I make my own business. Who do you think was running the Jumbotron cam at the Coldplay concert?”…

When you know the judge is besties with opposing counsel but you can't prove it

Lawyer leading compliance training: “As a general rule of thumb, you aren’t allowed to hug a coworker from a behind EVEN IF it’s a Coldplay concert. Got it?”

Trial should be be more like a tennis match. Each side gets 3 challenges. Judge rules? You hit the buzzer. Issue goes to instant replay with ChatGPT + Westlaw. Halfway through the day, counsel must swap tables. Keeps the energy fresh and prevents territorial advantage, plus, jury…

The funniest thing about trial is explaining a legal concept in two hours that took me three years to learn to a juror whose entire understanding of the legal system comes from 30‑second TikToks, while opposing counsel sprinkles in some objections. Meanwhile half the jury is…

Sorry if I look tired today. Was up all night with a milf (matter I'd like to finish).

If law school taught me anything, after the first bite I think Sidley Austin became strictly liable abovethelaw.com/2025/07/summer…

You know shit’s about to go down when a lawyer says, “Your Honor, may I share my screen?” That’s the legal version of someone taking off their earrings before a fight. Someone’s about to get embarrassed. Receipts are coming. A PDF is locked and loaded. Unless, of course, the…

I fall in love a little every time someone follows up. Not romantically, professionally. Because in litigation, following up is one of the most underrated power moves you can make. There is nothing I love more than walking into court and showing the judge, “Here’s the five emails…

Financially stable enough to have my own place but don't have "get off my family's streaming service sub" money yet

I left BigLaw thinking I’d escape insane client demands. Back then it was a Friday email saying, “Hey, can you draft a TRO and a 20 Count Complaint alleging RICO by Sunday night.” Now I’m in PI and it’s, “Hi Karen. The policy limits are $30,000. I cannot get you $300,000.” “But…

Law school should have less courses on the theory of law and more courses where a client calls in unreasonably angry for no reason at all and you have to handle it without getting a 1 star google review.