Gary Delaney is writing the next tour
@GaryDelaney
One-liner comic. New tour Gary in Punderland on sale. Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. Jokes tweeted aren’t in the live shows. First 2 tours now on YouTube.
When I tried acupuncture for the first time I felt like I’d done it before. I had a real sense of Deja Voodoo.
I’ve got a chip on my shoulders about people calling me a messy eater.
When I married my wife I was also marrying my best friend. Which, it turns out, is illegal.
Jokes that didn’t make it into the tour
Get your tickets now! ticketsource.co.uk/dead-men-talki…
Dragon’s Den pitch: Madam Tussauds but they’re voodoo dolls.
I bought my nephew a hoverboard. It’s not much but at least it keeps him off the streets
They did that on purpose
Uranus is warmer than we thought. New computer modeling techniques revealed that Uranus generates internal heat. This is similar to our solar system’s other gas giants, like Jupiter or Neptune. go.nasa.gov/44HzIKx
I rang up a sex line, the woman said I'll do anything you want' I said 'OK, reverse the charges'
I’m not saying I’ve got a bad feeling about my upcoming driving test but the examiner is Gandalf.
Recording my last tour Gary In Punderland in Northampton in October. Tickets available to people on my mailing list when it goes out tomorrow.
Really pleased about the big recruitment drive at my local naturist club. It’s always nice to see new members.
Find out your porn star name by looking in the comments of the video your ex posted on Pornhub.
Someone just told me I’m so stupid I don’t even know what day it is. There’s just no need for that sort of thing is there? Not at Christmas.
People waiting for organ transplants. My heart goes out to them.
I didn’t think my research time would manage to invent portals but this time they’ve really come through.
Me: I got everything for my flat from IKEA! Flat: *Full of pencils, paper tape measures and meatballs*