Mitya

I've killed a lot of people, but it was always for love, so it doesn't really count. It's basically an entirely different thing.

I want to make one thing very clear: There is no number of shrimp I would refuse to torture. You give me any number of shrimp, and I will do my best to make them miserable. I don't care what it costs, or how long it takes. My principles come first.

Not now! I'm thinking really hard about how I could kill you with this stick.

What matters isn't that I lied to you. What matters is why I lied to you. And the reason is I thought it would be really funny. And it was!

Boss found out I've been forwarding chain emails from my work account. Now I'm stuck in some boring meeting. I don't really get all the corporate jargon, but "immediate termination" sounds just like what the chain emails were warning me about...

Mmmm no, that's a stupid complaint. Not responding to that one, try again.

Hadn't done any screaming in a while, so I thought I'd give it a go. I gathered the fullness of my spirit and let loose. All that came out was a soft and solitary "wah!" Nobody in the Target parking lot seemed very impressed, but I do think I scared a squirrel. A mixed success.

Trying to learn Japanese through trial and error. So far the chef at Benihana doesn't look particularly impressed, but I knew going in this would be a long and difficult process. I've found at least 13 different sounds that don't mean "sushi", though, so I'm making good progress.

And as my skin cracked and tore, I thought about how pointless it all was. This burning away. I'm such a beautiful thing. Why leave me to ruin? Is there some purpose I failed to meet? Some unseen defect that's resigned me to ashes and dust?

But if you think about it another way, me peeing in your bed just shows how safe you make me feel. So it's actually kind of sweet, isn't it?

Love the song man. Thanks so much for making me stand around and listen to it on your phone speakers. The way you rhymed “masturbation” with “penetration” was really... imaginative. Hey, quick question: Are you going to kill me? No? Was worried you might say that.

Now if there was a gremlin on the wing of my plane I would just take a picture with my phone and show one of the flight ladies but back in the 60s you were basically screwed

Getting a lot of negativity and hate for what was meant to be a moment of sincerity and vulnerability. Homeowners are truly vicious people.

Nobody talks about how scary being a home invader is. It's so quiet and dark, and you never know what could be lurking around each corner.

Oh wow, a forest creature. Let me guess. Cute and furry? Big fluffy tail? Propensity for scampering? Yeah yeah, just add it to the pile...

Nobody wants to represent me in court for my many crimes. They weren't that bad, just embarrassing. Nobody wants to be head counsel for "the Juggalo Bandit". Still holding out hope though. Wicked clowns never die, but I've heard we don't do well in prison.

There's nothing clever about beating someone to death. Might think there'd be some sort of trick to it. There's not. It's just weight. You tire out quicker than you'd think. Then it's just gravity and desperation. A ringing in your ears. A dull heat. And then it's nothing at all.

When I wrote "A Shadowy Thorn at the Ash Wolf's Banquet", I worried audiences might not connect with the story of a teenage girl being fought over by various flawless, brooding suitors who also happen to be fantasy creatures. That's why I also included Steve, the dumpy human.

One of my favorite hobbies is putting gas in my car, so I can drive to other, farther away gas stations

The hello kitty astrology signs mug was here long before you, and it will be here long after you're gone

A Dr. Pepper and creamer for me, and a Mountain Dew with peach syrup for the lady. Oh! And a tall glass of 2% for my friend Breighden here.