Cat Damon

[porn director pulls me aside] you gotta quit saying "golly"

[arguing with the uber eats guy dropping off my order] there's no way you didn't eat a fry

[trying to impress a cow that also listens to outkast] i like the way you moo

[trying to convince my ex that I've matured] i don't use paper towels as plates anymore

[fruit starts falling from my ceiling] oh no my banandelier

[handing a McDonald's manager a cheeseburger i made at home] check out my mixtape

[catcher jogs out to pitcher's mound] hey man what wine pairs best with salmon

[while getting pepper sprayed by the police] is this from hot ones

annie are you ok / are you ok / are you ok annie you've been bit by / you've been nipped by / a huuuge labrador

If you wanna be my uncle / You gotta get with my aunt

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

genie: [driving me to the airport] this guy sucks

date: should we split an appetizer? me: [thinking about how girls like surprises] i have a gun

[trying to see the job interviewer's notes about me] i bet you have nice hand writing

me: [trying not to think about the koolaid man during sex] her: oh yeah me: oh no oh fuck

[holds a hotdog like a cigarette]

[making small talk with my uber driver] do you like me

[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

[interrupts guy break dancing] can i have that cardboard im moving