Committed

there are no recorded cases of anyone regretting dating me and no recorded cases of anyone not regretting not dating me. still, better for you if we don't

I want a sci-fi horror story about a bamboo-descendant sentient plant species that's assimilating all life into their bio-collective via physically absorbing their victims. Their vocal tendrils spread across Earth, their chlorophyllic voices booming, commanding everyone to "touch

if you ever see me perform a pregnant pause in conversation, it's only because I've got a pun in the oven

Why are you prompting yourself? Why are you prompting yourself? Huh. Stop prompting yourself

taking the piss was once a wholesome phrase referring to caring for your ill friend by changing their catheter bag, but later became bastardized to just mean teasing them about their horrendous accident

[talking to the cat at a house party]

A scorpion wanted to cross a river, but could not swim. It asked a frog to carry it across. "How do I know you won’t sting and kill me?" said the frog. "I'd love to sting you and will definitely do it," said the scorpion. "I’m sure you don’t mean that," said the frog. "Hop on."

from my mouth to yours, I'll whisper them straight in

twitter polls are pica for the powers that be caring what you think or want

In 1987, Douglas Adams shared the idea of an electric monk that people could program to believe things on their behalf Turns out that forming beliefs is neither hard or difficult when indifferent to reality, but what about automating thoughts and prayers? think of the time saved

"we should break up" "you're absolutely right!" "oh, so you agree, well, hmm well maybe we can work thought it" "you're absolutely right!" "actually you know what.." the sort of person who only wants to break up when the other person disagrees is having a hard time rn

regulation is this harmful thing that needs to be minimized...until we get nervous systems and then all of a sudden you gotta regulate the hell out of that shit well excuse me if I have a consistent political philosophy