Daisy the Awkward Badass

Unless you fell off your treadmill and got a super cool or super weird injury, I don't want to hear about your morning workout. 🤣🤣

Morning weirdos!

I don’t mean to brag, but most people double lock their door after I leave.

Very few men can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays. But then again, very few men cut their own hair. 😂😂

Well this fucking blows. I fell during the night and now my back is completely locked up. I have so much to do today but I can hardly move. FML

Fedex guy: Here’s your package Me: Thank you Fedex guy: Sign please Me: [Blushing] Pisces

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

If the Maps app can warn me about traffic and speed cameras, it should be able to tell me about dickhead drivers ahead. "Major Asshole Ahead: You're still on the fastest route, but if you pass a BMW, get ready to be tailgated" 🤣🤣🤣

I asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently that's "not allowed" if the baby is yours.

Ok, so I walked into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich, and when I came back into the bedroom all I was holding was a vodka/cranberry juice. What sort of nocturnal fuckery is this??? 😂😂😂

I'm so hungry. Who wants to come over and make me a sammich?

Therapist: You often use humor to deflect serious trauma. Me: Thank you Therapist: I didn't say that was a good thing Me: What I'm hearing is that you think I'm funny

I just watched a documentary on cocaine. I think I'm gonna watch all documentaries this way from now on. 🤣🤣

Therapist: "Ok, Daisy, what do we do when we're feeling sad?" Me: "Watch a murder documentary, then plan out how I'd do it without getting caught." Therapist: "Uh...no"

"Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit," I say to my cat as we watch a documentary about serial killers while wearing our matching onesies. 🤣🤣

Today, awkward me walked into a Subway, asked for a mootball feetlong, said "shit" directly afterward, then walked right out. I can never go back. 🤣🤣🤣

Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.

Ok, my very good friend Yvette wants to know why any of you ungrateful cretins follow and/or like me. Be gentle. I'm very sensitive. 😂😂

Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm...let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional. Uber driver: I didn’t ask you anything

Hmmmmm...do I want to read crappy political posts or do I want to watch a drunk, shirtless Jim Morrison sing? I'll take B, please!