BAZAKE

Exactly six months ago #BAZAKE launched. Armed with only the simple sword of truth, the trusty shield of British fair play and a six figure cash injection raised by the sale of ape-themed NFT memorials to our co-founder's late wife we set out on this journey into the unknown. 🧵

🚨 | BREAKING: Commentators have condemned the name of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana's new radical left-wing party as "quite possibly antisemitic." One senior Labour figure told Bazake, "Who's to say Y.O.U.R. doesn't stand for Yiddish Obliteration Unbelievable Revolution?"

🚨 | BREAKING: General Llywelyn Fortwilliam has suggested that if the Labour government's @YouGov net approval rating, which currently stands at -52, fell below -60 the Armed Forces would consider "unprecedented manoeuvres to assist the formation of a national unity government."

🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Bazake has obtained photographic evidence that Zohran Mamdani, the presumptive Democratic nominee for mayor of New York, met with senior members of the Irish Republican movement in the early 1990s whilst the IRA was still engaged in its mainland bombing campaign.

🚨 | BREAKING: Keir Starmer has called for rap duo @BobbyVylan to be proscribed under the Terrorism Act 2000 for their inflammatory comments against the Israeli Defence Force. A Starmer spokesperson said "You can't talk about our business partners [the IDF] like that".

🚨 | BREAKING: Shocking video footage has emerged of tanks rolling through Beijing towards Tiananmen Square as the Chinese government seeks to crush protests that have recently erupted.

🚨 | BREAKING: The first photograph of the man reportedly arrested for breaking into the grounds of Windsor Castle has emerged.

🚨 | SHOWBIZ: At a recent Tesco store opening in Huddersfield, Radiohead front man, Thom Yorke, was asked whether he preferred Yorskshire tea or Tetley. Having misheard the question, Yorke proceeded to call for calm heads.

🚨 | SHOWBIZ: At a recent charity event, Radiohead front man, Thom Yorke, was asked for his views on the Aberfan disaster of October 1966 where 116 children were killed. Yorke was unhappy with the finger of blame being pointed at the National Coal Board.

🚨 | BREAKING: Marine Chief, General Sir Gwyn Jenkins, has distanced his branch from Liverpool horror driver, Paul Doyle, saying, 'mindless violence has no home in the Royal Marines.'

🚨 | BREAKING: Dartboard manufacturer, Winmau, has been blasted as "Hamas lovers" and "antisemites" by the Israeli government after refusing to change the colours on their boards from those of the flag of Palestine.

🚨 | BREAKING: Bazake understands that Giovanni Terenzio, an Italian Archbishop, has been elected Pope by the Conclave, becoming the youngest person to ever hold the position at the head of the Roman Catholic Church.

🚨 | BREAKING: Explosion heard at Vatican as early reports suggest Popemobile, recently converted into a mobile hospital for Gaza, has been hit. An Israeli spokesperson has refused to deny responsibility alleging the Popemobile could be converted into mobile machine gun nest.

📸 | PICTURE EXCLUSIVE: "And then when I opened my eyes and took my headphones off, there was a freshly brewed cup of tea next to me." Wes Streeting puts on the charm offensive at St. Neots hospital along with Rachel Reeves as both jockey for position for the Labour leadership.

🚨 | ANALYSIS: Gossip among MPs in last 24 hours is that Sir Keir Starmer wants a way out but his close team telling him not to give in.

🚨 | BREAKING: Newly elected councillor, Jem Mullins, has left local Reform chiefs in turmoil after he committed to breaking the @GWR Guinness World Record for stuffing creme eggs up his anus to raise awareness for small boat crossings. The current record stands at 52.

As Sir Keir Starmer's Labour Party faces electoral turmoil, Britain's sharpest satirist, Angelo Gunt, gives his view on the beleaguered Labour supremo.