Mark
@AgingRanchHand
There have been decades of speculation about the state of my existence
Was trying to find a specific picture so reactivated Facebook and was going through college photos. I was losing weight, the beer can logos were changing, and my outfits were getting crazier with each scroll. It was as close as I'm going to get to a time machine
Eating poorly is a form of self harm but it's a form of delicious self harm
What's up little bird. You don't need to drink out of that puddle, man. Let me put you on game. I can give you a whole bowl of San Pellegrino Ciao! Blood Orange Sparkling Water
Guy updating his LinkedIn to say that he was "recently hired to kill someone"
Mormons playing "Marry, marry, marry" instead of "marry, fuck, kill"
Saw Cousin Skeeter at CVS. You could tell he was trying to stay under the radar, just there to pick up a birthday card. I gave him a wave but didn't really want to bother him. Looked exactly the same as he did 20 years ago (he was completely covered in green slime)
My wife finds it really funny when things are terrible so if we get food and it sucks it's actually a pretty enjoyable experience because she laughs so hard about it
Worked with one of those long hair, fedora wearing, sword collecting guys and he asked me what my hobbies were (I was 23 I said drinking) and so I asked him the same and he said "having sex." And for whatever reason 100% of those guys are like that. Repulsively horny
i've done everything i could to help you man. everything i could do from my phone, anyway. time to cut you off.
A recent Harvard study found that a lot of people’s issues stem from the fact that their mama don’t dance and their daddy don’t rock and roll
Hulk Hogan burning in hell trying to rip his shirt off but never being able to for all of eternity
You should be able to bet on how long it will take before Pat McAfee gets a life altering DUI
Episode of Scooby-Doo where Velma encourages Shaggy and Scoob to get colonoscopies due to their poor dietary choices