Mark
@AgingRanchHand
There have been decades of speculation about the state of my existence
I had three viral tweets on the 4th of July and now the government wants me dead the only thing I can do is let them kill me
You know in Final Destination 2 when the logs are coming off the back of the truck at the cars? I imagine being a single woman at a bar is kind of like that except with penises
When you're at a big rest stop and there's like you and 30 guys all pissing at the urinals at the same time and you hit them with a "you are literally my best friends and I love you all so much" >>>>>
*finding out a guy I don't like did actual time for having too many DUIs* Okay, well that's pretty cool. I've gotta give him that
Was trying to find a specific picture so reactivated Facebook and was going through college photos. I was losing weight, the beer can logos were changing, and my outfits were getting crazier with each scroll. It was as close as I'm going to get to a time machine
Eating poorly is a form of self harm but it's a form of delicious self harm
What's up little bird. You don't need to drink out of that puddle, man. Let me put you on game. I can give you a whole bowl of San Pellegrino Ciao! Blood Orange Sparkling Water
Guy updating his LinkedIn to say that he was "recently hired to kill someone"
Mormons playing "Marry, marry, marry" instead of "marry, fuck, kill"
Saw Cousin Skeeter at CVS. You could tell he was trying to stay under the radar, just there to pick up a birthday card. I gave him a wave but didn't really want to bother him. Looked exactly the same as he did 20 years ago (he was completely covered in green slime)
My wife finds it really funny when things are terrible so if we get food and it sucks it's actually a pretty enjoyable experience because she laughs so hard about it
Worked with one of those long hair, fedora wearing, sword collecting guys and he asked me what my hobbies were (I was 23 I said drinking) and so I asked him the same and he said "having sex." And for whatever reason 100% of those guys are like that. Repulsively horny