middleagedmillennial

If we could pinpoint the exact moment the internet went from being free Geocities and Angelfire websites devoted to poor-quality bootleg gifs, amateur poetry, and Duke Nukem cheat codes to “Like and subscribe for discounts + exclusive access,” that’s where I’d send the DeLorean.

As a teenager in the ‘90s my orthodontist’s breath reeked of nicotine gum. #middleagedmillennial

Hey, Siri, which healthcare plans include vodka? #Election2024

That milestone of starting to get Facebook memories that are old enough to vote.

If you want to set a Zoom for 10am tomorrow but may need to push to 10:30am, but you won’t know for sure until tomorrow, then you are available at 10:30am, and your 30 minutes of uncertainty are yours to figure out, not ours.

We used to play Angry Birds at Chipotle.

The silver lining of the #DebtCeilingAgreement is the elegant reminder that Mitch McConnell actually does still exist, and we have heard essentially nothing from or about him in the last ~2.5 years. 🤗

The quiet, impotent frustration of discovering that while you saved up for the cassette tape of the Jurassic Park soundtrack, your cousin somehow managed to show up with the compact disc. #summer1993 #jurassicpark #eldermillennial

I have emails that are older than your parents. #eldermillennial #y2k

A light dinner of two feta cheese-stuffed olives, seven shots of gin, and two shots of dry vermouth will be served to accompany the feature film, SMILE, the evening’s entertainment. *vegan option: substitute two garlic-stuffed olives.

This #NationalPizzaDay we’re hosting a screening of the #Oscar-nominated documentary ALL THAT BREATHES about a pair of brothers in #india who rescue kite birds, because the world is chaos and graphic bird surgery + pizza = why not? #cinema

“Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a Preferred Sightline premium seat like this.” #AMCTheaters #NicoleKidman

Light refreshments will consist of some basic grocery-store olives and a staggeringly large bolus of let’s be honest neither embarrassingly cheap nor very impressively classy vodka, but just enough of both that neither will matter.

2023, the year that well drinks just quietly decided to start costing $17-25. #LosAngeles

Has anyone had the talk with their kids yet? Because I’m still trying to figure out how to explain how Jim Carey in lime green spandex pajamas somehow evolved into a night terror on FaceTime with a plastic bag over his head. #thebatman #eldermillennial

Gen Z introverts don’t appreciate how much harder it was to be unapproachable before there were earbuds.

The iTunes visualizer was the #millennial lava lamp.

You know you’ve made it when Facebook’s ad algorithms think you can afford real estate in Los Angeles. #eldermillenial #thisis39

No other generation has had to sit through as many 3-hour #Marvel movies as we have. #eldermillennial

The best thing about approaching your 40s is that opting for diet caffeine free Coke with dinner will probably be the most debasing thing you do the rest of the day because bedtime is in +/- 60-90 minutes. #thisis39